Oscars 2016

Insert Chrissy Teigen's epic cringe face here.

Forget the performances, my personal highlight of the entire evening was Chrissy Teigen’s cringe which basically deserved all past, present, and future Oscars. Sorry Leo.

In other news, the first performance of the evening was Sam Smith’s Writing’s On The Wall from Spectre, which went on to win Best Original Song, knocking out Gagz and The Weeknd (and two other nominated performers who weren’t invited to perform – awkward.org). While everyone thought Gagz had the Oscar sitting comfortably in her medium-rare sirloin clutch, I knew Sam was going to snatch the Oscar because ultimately, can you even tell me the name of the film that Gaga’s Til It Happens To You was wrote for? No. Me neither. So honestly, is this really a surprise winner?

Then Sam stumbled on stage and in a muddled attempt to spark some social activism, babbled about how he’s the first gay person to win an Oscar, AND threw Gandalf under the bus and/or Balrog in the process. Now, I love Sam because he tries with every fiber of his gradually-evolving-into-Boy-George being to be outspoken, but it almost always either falls completely flat or is rapidly misconstrued (re: Sam’s previous Tinder/Grindr flip-flopping). Regardless, we can now relish in some Monday dramz after Dustin Lance Black appeared from the dark netherealms of Twitter to remind us that not only is he quasi-relevant because of his relationship to Tom Daley, but also he won an Oscar for Milk however many moons ago. Honestly Dustin, hu r u tho?

Speaking of irrelevance, next we have The Weeknd’s Oscar performance. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy the Weeknd’s music, and Earned It is the most commercially successful nomination out of the entire category, but this whole 50 Shades of Grey ‘phenomenon’ should just cease and desist, and that includes the soundtrack. Between the Weeknd, Ellie Goulding and Beyonce, I feel like I’ve indirectly (and against my will) listened to the OST of this BDSM flopbuster for essentially 363 days of 2015 and I’m well and truly over it. Trapeze artists included.

NOTE: I can’t find a YouTube video of the Weeknd’s Oscar performance. What a shame.

To essentially close the evening, Lady Gaga appeared with a strong and touching (and I’m talking ‘erect nipple’ level touching) performance of the aforementioned Til It Happens To You. The performance spoke for itself really – Gagz hitting all of the notes and following the Oscar 2016 trend of social activism by highlighting sexual abuse.

I do miss the days of theatrical Gaga though – someone please strap a telephone to her head and dangle her from a chandelier, post-haste!